We are five, two adults and three children. living in the great state of Arkansas… the beautiful, often frustrating, but more often endearing South. It seems requisite to mask the identities of all involved when you create these things. It throws the villains off your trail. Or so I’m told. So I did that for about two weeks, and every time I wrote some alias into a post, I felt like an idiot. So there you are, villains — now you have our real names. But I gave them to you, so you owe me…
Chris (Dad): Male. 35 years old. Married to female librarian, aka Sugar-mama. Finishing a graduate degree. Literature major. Homeschooling a 7-year-old, a 2.5-year-old, and a 9-month old. Not really homeschooling the second two but responsible for most all of their basic needs minus breast milk and other female specific provisions. Formally a bartender, chef, systems engineer, retail salesperson, philosophy instructor, and record store clerk. I write these words, so no further description is necessary.
Tiff (the sugar-mama): Female. 34 years old. Children’s Librarian and mother. Primary bread winner for household. Infinitely patient, intelligent, and loving… unless hungry — then impatient, illogical, angry, and possibly violent… at the very least, very unpleasant. Prepares lessons for each day; wishes she was home. Possibly crazy. Certainly beautiful. Would rather be reading or bathing. Regularly uses words like “pumpkin-pants,” “sugar-bear,” and “darling.”
Connor (also Con, Hamlet, etc.): Male. 7 years old. Generally happy, loving, and fun to be around, except when moody, disagreeable, and unmovingly contrary. 50% chance of either iteration. Fiercely loyal to Sugar-mama. Possibly crazy. Certainly beautiful. Extensive vocabulary which can be both blessing and curse. Listens to a lot of audio books from the 1950s. Regularly uses words like “keen,” “neato,” and “queer.”
Maggie (also Mags, Lady Macbeth, Malificent, Bat Ears, etc.): Female. 2 years old. Fair hair and dark heart. Generally agreed upon to be sweetest and most compliant child in her preschool class. Feared at home. Fiercely loyal to Dad. Likes toy bugs and toy snakes. Fears real bugs and real snakes. Possibly crazy. Certainly beautiful. Watches a lot of French/French-Canadian ballet. Regularly uses words like “no,” “NOOOOO,” and “ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!”
Molly (also Mols, The Nice One, The littlest one, McScreamy, etc.): Female. 0 years old. Most agreeable of the entire family. Often found smiling for no apparent reason. Loves parents. Loves siblings. Possibly sane. Certainly beautiful. Regularly tears pages from books to sample their flavors. Regularly uses words like “Daaahhh,” “Mamamamamama,” and “Ohhhhhhhhh…………”, with the late addition of a high-pitched scream closely resembling the sound of a cat’s tail being crushed by a Doc Martin.