Someone will call me out for being the bad guy,
Someone will call me out for being anti-Hollywood
but they suck — every one of them — every Transformers movies sucks everything, the worst, donkeys, pillars, sausage, tombstones… I don’t know anymore things that could offend what you think shouldn’t be sucked… sucked… bee, like bumblebee… sucked. Sucks. Sucked. Suck.
And I’ve tried. Three films. Number 1, twice. Number 2, twice. Number 3, three, THREE TIMES TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK. I worked for you, Hasbro, Bey, Hollywood, and I just couldn’t do it. I’m big-time real nerd. I grew up UHF, yeah, the sci-fi/horror black-and-white, we don’t pay royalties childhood. Like the Weird Al film. Seriously. I was channel 23’s biggest fan (that was a station in Dallas… look it up… and 49… I caught Lost in Space TWICE on Sundays). I can stomach the worst effects, the saddest 7-11 3D glasses syndications. I was there for that. But I can’t digest pandering. thrice. THRICE. Oh… OH THEY ARE AWEFUL.
It’s offensive. And when I type that, I mean it offends me in a way that Hasbro’s marketing couldn’t do in the mid to late 80s. I knew what was up. I was there for GoBots, and HeMan, and I miss Star Blazers (Yamamoto).
They’re not even sure, by the last film, how they could confuse the level at which they suck worse. At one point, they cameo Bill O’Reilly, cut to the best actor in the film, cut to explosions, cut to bad script-rips-rips-from-fucking-KHAN? I’d love to believe it was an homage. But it was geek-rape. I have to call it that. Khan was brilliant, Heart of Darkness meets the future with tech, so… Heart of Darkness… yeah. geek-Raped. We pay attention to that even beyond the shit you marketed for our kids. My kids won’t see any of them. Ever. They’ll see THEM!. And every Trek. Star Wars saga. Animated and Live… even fan-fic-copied. X-files. BG. Firefly. Wood. My kids will see Wood. Dune (there’s a reading requirement). Blade Runner. Fucking Freejack. Hell, Starship Troopers and Krull. But they will not see any Transformers films. Because, believe it or not (they’ll see Amazing Stories, yeah, they’ll even see those), there is a statute of limitations on sucking… AND pandering. If you can’t figure out our limits, you never understood to begin with. With which statutes (it’s like a code of ethics) to begin. Tut-fucking-tut.
actually, horrified and done.